#84 Prayer from an ex felon

An Ex Felon’s faith

I think I have used this title before, I have written so many that I cannot remember, but this blog entry is about a situation that happened just a few days ago, one that makes a strong support of my faith.

Now, you know I say that as an ex felon, not as some big time minister or self-appointed leader of Christianity. But I say this as a person that, in my life, has seen blessings through faith.

I share this with you because as an ex felon trying to get his life back on track, and trying to prosper, I know there are thousands and thousands of men and women that did time, and are doing time, but need faith to get through a tough time. I have been writing for awhile for those with loved ones in prison, and how they can get through tough times. I am certainly not at the top of the list as “most religious”, but I do know the power of prayer.

The example I am about to share with you happened just a few days ago, just before the 4th of July, and if I am correct, just concluded today, as of my knowledge of 11am.

My mom was telling me of a lady she knows, and I know by association, who worked at a local grocery store, and mom noticed she was not looking quite right, as if something might be wrong with her. Mom told me she asked her if she was ok, and the lady replied that she was fine, but just didn’t look like it. That was like last Sunday or Saturday, about June28th or 29th.

A day or so later, she went to the hospital for something, but it got much worse, as we received a call late Thursday, July2nd from a co-worker that said they moved her to the Intensive Care Unit, and it didn’t look good.

I could tell mom took it hard, because she didn’t speak the rest of the night, and you could tell she was very worried, as so my brother, because they knew her more than I did. As I said, I knew her by association, but not as well as they did. Both seemed to be very worried about this lady, and almost fearing the worst.

But then something inside of me stirred me to say, “why don’t somebody PRAY for her?” I mean, isn’t this the time to call on God to help, unless we WANT that lady to die.. Because that is where it was heading.

I am no perfect saint, maybe not even close to being one, but if you read my blogs in the past, you know I have had prayers answered. In fact I wrote a blog a month or so ago about NBA coach Chuck Daly passing, and how I felt that those in that inner circle could have prayed for his health, rather than just prepare for the worst. A lot of media and announcers liked to say, “we’re praying for you” but did they REALLY pray for him, or just wish him well? A hundred people can know that somebody is really sick and may die, and all 100 of them can wish and hope, but if not one of them prays…then that person may well die.

I felt that it was everybody’s responsibility to help, and what better way than praying for this lady. I was not sure if 100 other people prayed or not, but I felt I needed to add mine. So I made a determination in my mind to pray for this lady, that her condition would get better.

Understand, this isn’t a cheap saying that is equal to “I’m hoping for the best, but preparing for the worse”. Prayer is taking a request to God, expecting positive results. Note folks, this might not be so much about prison today, but don’t tell me that inmates and loved ones with family and friends in prison don’t think about this, or don’t pray.

Anyway, I was determined to pray for this lady, but I went one step further. Since I write a lot, I decided to write out my prayer on the computer and save it. So late that night, this is what I wrote:

A prayer for Ms Dianne

Father, in the name of Jesus I pray to you tonight, at 11:40, for the health for a person I know. Earlier tonight we got a bad report in that this woman was in the hospital, and it “didn’t look good”.

But Lord, no report is greater than Your word, in that it says that by His stripes we are healed. Your word says that Jesus took the punishment for all of us, and I am asking tonight to heal that woman. She cannot die, not now, because that is not Your will. I believe that as much as I possibly can, and I believe that You can, and will heal her.

Father, in Jesus name I am standing on the word You gave us, that whatsoever we ask, in Jesus’ name, He would do, and You would do. Father, visit that lady in her hospital room, and touch her body, and heal her.

And Father, this is not about her faith, it is about the faith of those who are willing to stand in the gap for her. I KNOW it’s not your will for her to die like this, not now, and I am working the faith up in me to believe, just like I did when You got me back into college.

The Bible says that whatsoever we desire, when we pray, if we believe, we shall have. I cannot sit here and mope about, being sad for the “inevitable”. That seems like what mom is doing, and I cannot embrace it for one second. I cannot, because that is not your will. Father, this is not about her being perfect, or being a Christian, it is about Your will to answer a person when they pray.

I believe in Jesus name that the devil has no authority over us, and especially over Ms. Dianne. I believe that You can just as easily heal her at this very second, about 11:45, as you can heal anybody at any time. Lord, give us the victory, that I may write of Your strong blessings to those who need to see it.

My prayer Father, is for you to give me strength not to falter, to believe that if I ask you this thing, it shall be done, and to also remember your good works that I may praise your name to those who need to hear of your goodness. The Bible says to give thanks to YOU for you are good, and your mercy endures forever.

The Bible says to ask, and we shall receive. The Bible also has numerous occasions where Jesus healed the sick with His word, and the faith of the believer. I believe Jesus will heal her, and I stand in the gap, praying for her life. Father, give us the victory over the devil again, that I may continue to grow stronger and stronger in faith that You want me to be. I believe that You need us to work through for miracles, but it can only work with faith.

My Lord, my God, spare her life and give her perfect health, and let us praise your name in victory. I say this in Jesus’ name. (ended 11:49pm) July 2nd.

(end of letter)

I wrote that letter, and saved it. For a second I thought about posting it, but I decided to wait. At the same time, I was receiving a few emails from some readers who were asking for prayer, and I told myself to pray for them. In my tough times, I have had people pray for me, so it is good to return the favor when I can.

Well, mom was really down that night, she didn’t speak that night and part of Friday, but time passes and before you know it we’re in the Fourth of July, and we had lots of family and friends come by, and everybody enjoyed themselves. It was a great weekend. I made smoothies for everybody, and getting pretty good at it.

Well, the weekend passes, and today is Monday. As I get on the computer, checking my emails, I notice mom was just getting back from running some errands, and I heard her tell my brother in the living room that the lady will be getting out of the hospital today, and is doing fine…

I looked at the clock on my computer and it was about 11:15 am.

And I smiled, knowing a prayer was answered.

Prayer does work folks, and not just for the most “Christian” of folks, it works for those who have faith in God. And this is encouraging, because I know what my prayers are, and I believe those things will happen, and I will be in a much, much better position to help others. As an ex felon I say that, knowing the stuff I have gone through while trying to stand in faith. It’s not been easy, often being betrayed by the most ironic situations, and still trying to hang on to the hope that a guy that did time CAN still be both helpful and prosperous in his life. It gives me strength that things will change for the better, and the example I live might be helpful to somebody else out there with a loved one in prison.

It’s funny because right now my brother is watching “Prison Break”, a show I don’t watch… I mean, why? I have been there, I know what prison is like. I’d rather watch Boomerang or Cartoon Network because I can get a laugh, which keeps me positive. Well, I have to anyway, seems we have my little nephew this summer again, so I’ll have a steady diet of video games, cartoons and snacks.

Anyway, just wanted to share this with you, to encourage you that prayer does change things, but if you believe. Lots of people throw up a half-hearted prayer in complete fear, thinking it will answer, but your faith was never in it being answered, it was in complete fear…the opposite of faith.

Consider that. My email is open for those wanting me to talk about prison issues, I will help if I can. Until then….

#83 Latest prison writings

Latest prison writing

It’s been awhile since I last blogged, for several reasons, but I wanted to blog today based on some emails I had received.

If you read my last blog, I was starting to share with you my book, “Grades of Honor”, written about my experiences while in prison. I was thinking of maybe sharing about 3 pages per entry and let the readers get a feel of what I went through while in prison. When I was writing for several prison support sites a few years ago, I got a lot of people asking me about prison issues and many supported me by buying my books.

But I have been receiving a LOT of emails from readers and people asking about certain things about prison, and it took me out of blogging for awhile. I don’t mind, because if a person took the time to ask me a question, then if I have a heart, then I need to try to give them my best in an answer that is positive, constructive and faith-filled.

Emails come from people as far as California, a few in Canada, and from New York, Florida and Texas. Lots of these people are in fact members of other prison support sites, and have told me about why they don’t believe they are getting the best answers from them. This is not to say they are getting no help, it’s that a lot feel that they could get more, but are not.

My stand on this has been the same over the last many years, that many prison support sites like Prison Talk and Prisonbid are not truly made to help people with loved ones in prison, they are made and filled with self-righteous and selfish people, those who are looking to boost up their post count rather than take the serious time to answer somebody’s question.

It’s easy to see, all you have to do is go to one of those sites and look at how many people have ungodly numbers of posts. I blogged on this months ago, and even did an experiment on it, selecting a couple of members and watched how many posts they put up in one week. I say again to ANYBODY, and I challenge any human being that writes on ANY prison support site, that anybody with 10,000 posts is bogus.

I said BOGUS.

Anybody with over 5000 posts is bogus…I said again…BOGUS!

Why? Because I have been writing for a long time, and I have a pretty good idea of what it takes to write THAT much. In order to contribute that many posts on any prison support site either means you are sincerely devoted to helping others…or copying and pasting one or two sentences on everybody’s thread.

The latter is MUCH more true than you think.

A person that has 15,000 posts on Monday and 15,500 by the end of the week is only using the site to boost up their post count…they don’t care about YOU or your problems. And a LOT of prison support sites like Prison Talk Online and Prisonbid are filled with people like that. But ironically, they are revered because they are fooling other members with their false expertise.

Heck, I can copy and paste “Hi and welcome to PTO” and put it on 1000 people’s threads. Inside of a month, I can look like I know a lot, but if somebody took the time to examine the content of what I wrote, they will see I am a fake.

This is why a lot of these sites don’t work, because there is no sincerity in it. I began to see that a few years ago, and decided that if I really wanted to help, I needed to separate myself from prison support sites that are only feeding on fears and collecting on other’s problems. Most call themselves “support” but all it is, is a gossip section or a site where members rip off news from other sources and paste it there.

Anyway, yesterday I was checking my emails and saw a response to one of my blogs, and I had to check it to approve it or delete it. The comment came from a blog I wrote on Prisonbid rejection, I think number #65 if you can check back on the blogs, I try to number them for help.

Anyway, this person obviously has no idea what I am about, and apparently read one post and felt they could drop two cents and expect me to post it. Come on folks, it does not work that way.

The person criticized me by saying that I have no right to expect to be admitted to any site, and that I was being self-centered.

Really?

Well, I rejected the comment, and emailed the person and told them that their comment was rejected because it was in poor taste, and that obviously that person didn’t read my blog well enough. If you are going to make a foolish comment, you just HAVE to know that it will be rejected. I mean, that person didn’t have any right to think I was going to admit THEIR comment, right?

But it’s funny because I am constantly reminded that many times when a person wants to try to help, often times there are people who twist the words to create something negative.

What I said about Prisonbid is true, they are no different or better than Prison Talk, because members there are looking to be experts in things they know little about. Sure, it’s easy to snatch prison news from everywhere else and post it, it’s easy to make one or two line sentences and paste them on everybody’s post, making it look like you are so well informed. But how many posts do you share with your heart?

This is where these sites fail, because they are too busy trying to rack up numbers, rather than help people. I challenge ANY person to check these sites, and look up these members who have more than 5000 posts. Do a check on their posts and you will see that these people rarely, if ever, start an original post. This means they are not contributing from their heart, they are either contributing by taking news from somewhere else, or copying and pasting, or throwing a cheap “amen”. None of those things help a person who came to the site for support.

Do that, and tell me what you see. Go to these sites and find somebody with 24,599 posts and check and see what they have been writing…you will see that there is virtually NO heart in what they have shared.

This is ironic to the idea of prison support, something I have talked about for the last few years, one of the reasons Prison Talk banned me, and why Prisonbid rejected me. It’s not about me arguing my RIGHT to be on the sites, and that is why the comment was so foolish, it assumed the wrong thing. It was about being able to contribute to a cause because you have the ability to.

It’s kinda like a group that wants to have a speaking engagement on diabetes, and a person who actually beat it and is cured from diabetes wants to join and give words of encouragement, but the others reject him and rather accept only those suffering from it.

Who then gets help? Nobody.

Maybe that’s why I have been getting a lot of emails from many people, and why I have been bogged down lately. I don’t mind, because as I said before, if somebody took the time to email me about a prison situation, and need me to talk about it, no problem. But I made a real decision in my heart that if somebody did that, I was going to do my very best to give them the best answers I could, not some cheap one liner like many sites do.

It reminds me of something I mentioned awhile back about people saying, “we’re praying for you”. The truth is, a lot of people SAY it, but they don’t really mean it. It’s just a saying…meaning they are not really praying for you…which means they are lying to you.

And a lot of people think that this is harmless, I mean, at least they are thinking about you, right? But this has all kinds of problems, basically the lack of faith and the refusal to lift a finger for a person in need, and a lack of respect for prayer.

Think about that folks. If a person emailed me and told me about how their son is in prison, and they are worried for him, and don’t know what to do, and ask me to pray for their son, what should I do?

I can easily write back and say that I am praying for him, but unless I REALLY do that, I am lying to that person that needs help. That is NOT harmless folks, that is very destructive.

Let’s be very clear about this, THINKING about somebody and PRAYING for somebody are two completely different things. You can think about somebody and nothing happens, but if you pray for somebody, then you have to expect things to change for the better. I mean, that’s why people ask for prayer, right?

So if a mom asks me to pray for her son in prison, then I have an obligation to do that, if I agree to do so. If I really want to help that mom, then I have to promise myself that something that day, or before I go to bed, that I will take time to pray specifically for that person to God.

Now what I say and when I say it has nothing to do with anybody else but me and God, because He knows the hearts of everybody. But if a person opened their heart to me and asked me to pray for somebody in prison, then I have a direct charge, and an obligation to do so, not just “say” I am doing so.

This is important folks because lots of prison support sites have like “prayer circles” and hundreds of people jump in it in desperation, needing prayer. Hey, we have all been there before. But many times there is so much doubt and unbelief in those circles, there is no chance of any prayers getting answered.

Last night I got an email from a person asking for prayer for a couple going through a very tough time. I read it and decided to pray about it. Now, don’t get me wrong here, I am not saying I descended from the holy mountain, I am just as human as anybody else, but I know prayer works. If you are a regular reader of my blogs, you know how prayer helped me when I was in college, when I was in prison, and even after I got out of prison.

So last night I took a few minutes and prayed specifically for those people. What I said is none of your business, but I prayed for them. But the act of praying is far, far greater than somebody just saying, “we’re thinking about you”. It means more than even saying “we’re praying for you” because to most people, that means only that they are thinking about those people. Again, thinking, and praying are two completely different things.

But all this is about sincerity, what you do from the heart. I criticize many prison support groups because in a funny way, they remind me of many churches. On the greater scope, churches are highly revered because we assume that every church serves God by helping mankind…but that is not so true with many churches. Many are run by people with their own personal agendas, whether to be the “owner” of a business (church), to be seen as a superior individual (position or rank), or to make money.

In a much lesser extent, the same is true with prison support sites. Moderators often have no real experience, and grow to the position mainly because they have more posts than anybody else, or better still, have copied and pasted more than anybody else. The truest idea of support should be that those moderators are writing original posts to help others, rather than walking the halls of a site like some prison guard.

I made a challenge months ago to any person writing on any prison support site to match writing original posts with me, instead of copying and pasting simple sentences every hour. That challenge still stands. I challenge any member of Prison Talk, Prisonbid, prison this or prison that to write original posts and put them on their site. I don’t care if you are the owner or moderator of a site, if you have 50,000 posts, then your works are bogus.

I challenge any person on any prison support site to join me on any week, and write 3 ORIGINAL posts about prison issues per day, minimum 3 pages long. Or, to write 20 Original posts about prison issues, minimum 3 pages, per week. I mean, if you are dropping 300 posts a week, this is not a problem, right?

If you have 12,000 posts, but have only been a member for 3 years, then surely you are a great writer and can contribute to help others in need in understanding prison, right?

(why is it so quiet now?)

I never said I was the best writer of prison issues, but I have no problems saying that I write more about prison, or have written more about prison issues than perhaps anybody else online since 2001. I didn’t say that to brag about how much I write, I say that because I wrote with the heart of helping, not to boost my post count.

Anyway, that challenge is out there. It is no problem for me to write original posts for my blog and share there…can any moderator or member say that for their site? Take a moment if you are a member of those sites to go check those numbers, and see how many of those “posts” were actually copy and pasting, or snatched links from another site. When you see that a person bragging about their 23,000 posts have virtually no original posts, you will see that they are not sincere in what they do.

Anyway, I still have other emails to answer, I hope I can get back to blogging, there is so much more I want to share about prison issues. My door is open to those who might want to email me about a prison issue, and I will do my best to discuss it. I never said I knew it all, but I can do my best to help. Until then, take care.

Grades of Honor: Prison Book

Grades of Honor
By Nolaw97

In dedication to the thousands of people who have gone through, are going through and may go through the very difficult ordeals of the prison system, both inside and out. May this work of writing be some source of hope and understanding that we all make mistakes, some larger than others, but we are still human beings, and as such should still hold reserve that all men can still do good, no matter how difficult life becomes.

What this book will be about:
This writing, Grades of Honor, will be about how to cope with prison as viewed from a former inmate’s prospective from prisons in North Carolina. This work will try to establish some views about prison as written from experience, but it will also attempt to deal with issues about prison that effect those who are not in prison. This work will address issues inside the prison system and out, how it effects inmates and their families and what can be done to reverse negative feelings or issues about prison. This work will use different forms of communication, from journals to letters and including poems written while in prison, to capture moments of the emotion at the time of incarceration.

What we will also try to do is “jump” in and out of the writer’s view, to address other issues. This will be done to openly address issues for the loved ones “outside the wall”. The aim here is to try to present a work that both the inmate and the loved ones outside the prison can both understand and come to a neutral site of perceptive.

The intent of the book is not to “sugarcoat” the realism of prison, but also not to create a “horror story” about prison. In no way are we implying that some of the negatives acts of violence don’t happen, because they do happen. But in this writing, we are trying to address issues based on the experience of the writer. We also wanted to limit the use of vulgar words, since we wanted to give as many readers a chance to read the accounts. We hope that this work can ease some of the pain of the reality of prison, and maybe encourage you that even in the worst of times, there can be hope.

Why write this book?
Nolaw97

A valid question to start off with. Why should I be writing this book? Surely there are other books like it, and likely done more professional than mine. I don’t have a big publishing company backing me or any public relations personnel to help me push this book. Maybe by the end of this book I might, but I cannot count on that. The reason I am writing this book is because I never knew how many people are affected by the prison system. It is easy to think that the inmate that goes to prison is the only one affected, but this is far from the truth. We are all connected in some way, some more directly than another. When an inmate goes to prison, he or she has left behind family, friends, and associates. This might be anywhere from a couple to a hundred, maybe more. Multiply that by the thousands in prison today and you get an idea of how many people are affected by the prison system every year. Many loved ones suffer so much when an inmate is in prison, some may never come out again.

And yet there are so many questions because so few really know about prison. Media has given us some views, but most are of the most extremes, perhaps to scare children into being good. But the prison system is far more complex than people think, and is still a mystery to most of the general population. For that reason many parents, families, loved ones and others are very concerned about these inmates. I kept journals of many instances while I was in prison, and never thought much about it until I found a prison support site on the internet. There I saw so many people, thousands, who had questions and were looking for answers, just trying to understand what was going on. I never claimed to be an expert on this matter, but I found that I had to try to add what I could to help. It was then I started to understand that my experience, though a real test, may be invaluable to those who seek to understand about prison.

I also decided to write this is simple report form, so that maybe it is possible for loved ones to send this in part or whole to their loved ones in prison. A hardback book is harder to receive in prison than loose writings, which gives a better edge to getting them this work. I hope this helps…..

First Day in Prison

Pause: It has to be noted here that the accounts of Craven Correctional in Vanceboro, North Carolina are based purely on my accounts. This was the only part of my entire incarceration where I took no journals or notes about my experiences. All that I am about to share are based on what I do remember, and how I felt. I did not do any writing in any form while at this prison, but that should not deter from what I remember. These are indeed true accounts, but the reason why there were no writings from this period of time was because of the changes I went through from the closure of leaving county jail to adjustment to the prison system. That would change in time, but for these first several weeks, I was not able to write what I was then experiencing.

Life temporarily ended for me that day I was called from my single cell in county jail. My heart jumped when from behind the steel door of my cell a female officer called to me and told me to start packing my belongings since I was about to be shipped. It was the end of my faith that some miracle could turn this situation around. My faith in a God that hears prayers ended, and shock shot through my body. I could not even answer the first time. The female officer had to call me a second time, to which I then answered. This was it; I was going to prison.

Up until then, I had spent close to 17 months in county jail, and for nearly every hour I fought internally for hope against hope that something, anything, might change this terrible situation to something I can shout for joy over. I will not go over the first year and a half here; maybe another time, because to me, the prison system begins here. I sat down on my bed in the small cell and felt numb all over. If there was a way I could kill myself at that moment and quickly, I may well have done it, and welcomed death far more than I would have welcomed this God I was praying to for so long.

(to be continued, first 3 pages of 85)

#81 Heart of man…and ex felons (new)

Who knows the hearts of man or felons?

It is a Friday night as I type this, trying to listen to some jazz music to kinda relax, but I guess sometimes you just have to endure things as best you can. Thousand of pages of prison blogs have let me see my life after I got out in 2001. I knew it would be a hard road to try to get my life back, not just because of what I believed, but I also knew that the hearts of man are not as pure as we all like to think.

What I needed was a chance, a chance to try to give back and reprove myself as an ex felon, knowing that this would be an uphill battle. If you have read my blogs over the years, you know the things I have gone through, many times situations that prove that mankind at many times can be quite unforgiving. It is so easy to say that we can forgive ex felons and give them a second chance, but in truth, in the hearts of man, there does not lie such compassion.

Now I grant you, there are people that don’t care about anybody else, and that may be a strong reason why society just does not believe in ex inmates getting their lives back. It just seems so easy to point to a flawed person and condemn them, simply because it is easy to see.

And in the last several years, it had me wondering what we as human beings really look for. We are so fooled by thinking that we can “see” the heart of a person, and consequently can also see the flaws of man. If I never said I was an ex felon, I bet you more than half of the people reading these blogs would value it so much more than now, because people reading this know it comes from a fallen individual…and as such, there can’t be a lot of moral values.

I mean, after all, I am an ex felon…nobody can trust what I say.

We speak these things thinking we really know one way from another, but often times we are just as fooled by our lack of knowledge (and pride) than the next person. Never have I said I was descended from the mountaintop to talk about prison issues, but I have no problem saying that if there is ANYBODY who has written more, let me know.

And I say to you, I am not talking about somebody who thinks that 30,000 posts on some support site is saying anything. I have argued more than once about how many members at sites like Prison Talk Online are using their own members to step on their backs, just to get another post or two. I wrote a blog about how a couple of members claim to be contributors, both with over 20,000 posts, but when you check out their posts, almost ALL of it was full of “hi and welcome to PTO” that was copied and pasted on numerous posts in seconds of time. This leads you to wonder if many of those members on PTO really read those posts…they certainly don’t care about them.

But we are misled by the false impression. We don’t take the time to see the heart. If you are on a site, and somebody makes any comments on your post, and you see they have some ungodly number like 27,500, then you have to know that this person is NOT what they claim to be. So many prison support sites are filled with scams from people who are not there to help YOU, but rather help themselves to look better than you. What it also proves is that it does not matter how many members your site has, if there is not even one good heart there, then the site is worthless.

But the blind will not bother, they will follow regardless of the situation.

Today I ran across a couple of other scenarios that had me wondering what we truly see, or in greater essence, what God sees in the hearts of mankind.

It’s important to me because as an ex felon, a person trying to help, there ought to be some sense of hope and ability to overcome a negative situation, but often times it means understanding the heart of yourself, and others.

Today I was watching tv and during a commercial there was this thing for Guaranteed Consumer Funding. The commercial promises to help your credit by selling you a quality computer for just a $99 first time payment and monthly payments of $29.99. They also promised to throw in the Wii game system and an Ipod.

Now I’m doing the math in my head while watching this commercial, and I know you can get a good computer nowdays for about $500. Throw in a game system and an Ipod, and you’re looking at about $800 on up. But according to the math, this Guaranteed Consumer Funding seems to imply that 12 payments of about $30, and a one time fee of $99 is about $460…an incredibly good deal.

But something isn’t right about this.

So I go online to check it out, and sure enough, there are complaints about how this company may be misleading customers, and taking money from them. From the many people that talked about this “service” they say that you will end up paying about $1800 for products you could have bought much, MUCH cheaper, and in many cases you may not even get the products they promised.

Many call it a scam.

Apparently the service isn’t as simple as the commercial implies, and many compare it to the “Blue Hippo” commercials, which promise the same thing. It just seems that once somebody finds a way to get your money, somebody else jumps in to see if they can get your money even faster.

But thousands and thousands of people give them their trust, and money, without a second thought. And many will reason that “at least they’re not criminals or ex cons”.

Tell me the difference.

Many of the “services” are no different from anybody in prison, who is intentionally twisting words and their promise of service to get your money, yet we blindly throw money at them without taking time to understand the heart of the matter.

I never believed in the sincerity of any “Credit Repair” service, because they are not really in the business to help you, they are in the business to make money. In the case with this Guaranteed Consumer Funding, it seems clear that these people are taking advantage of people needing help, and scamming millions of dollars from good people who are in financial difficulty.

So tell me how they are any different from an ex con?

On the surface, businesses like this try to tell you that they are here to HELP you, that they can be trusted and offer you a deal that is just so sweet, it just must be honest. I mean, these are not ex cons, right?

(as a fool would say)

But the heart of such a person is no different than anybody else’s. Yet I blogged awhile back about how I tried to offer my Prison Encouragement Certificates to ANYBODY who wanted one, free of charge. All I wanted was an address, a physical address, to send it to. Not one penny did I ask.

But because I am an ex con, that offer was suspicious to some, challenging my sincerity. Even recently somebody emailed me asking me to send them the template of my work…WHY? I never said I was sending anything like that by email, but the person didn’t trust me enough to send it to them by land mail, but they apparently still wanted the freebie, but changed the rules to their benefit simply because they could not trust me.

But you can trust a credit repair service you have never heard of before, and fork over $1800 for a computer you could have bought in Wal-Mart for $400…

You see the hypocrisy here? Often times we think we know people based on our very limited intelligence (and YES that includes me), when we never even try to look at the heart of a person.

It’s like an article one reader shared with me about an ex felon who had a nice job working for the city. He had done no wrong, but some of the people started to complain that he ought not have that job because there are other law-biding citizens that have never gone to prison that need a job. We look for something physical to condemn another person for no other reason than just that we can’t see a person’s heart.

Many of you know my story about how I saved a Christian radio station from going under after the General Manager died. I spent over half a year helping the poor elderly lady to rebuild the station, because the late GM never taught her a thing about radio, and the station was about to go under. I taught her how to run the station, and more importantly, did all I could to keep her positive when so many days she felt miserable about losing her friend in the late GM, and how difficult it was to keep the station going. All this climaxed when I introduced local sports to the station, hired a man I used to work with, and his partner, and we proceeded to do a great job bringing high school football…

Until they stabbed me in the back, taking my job, position and leaving me out in the cold. Although they have not been humane enough to tell me why, I think it had to do with my past. The fact that I was an ex felon may well have been the reason, but it was never a problem while I was saving that station from going under.

Many a night I question to God why I even bothered helping those people when the end result was so bitter. I did not scam them out of any money, in fact many days I worked for them at no cost, even though I really needed a job. But my heart told me to help those people, because they needed it. There was nobody there to help them, and to be sure, the radio station would have folded if they had no help.

After all I did for this so called “Christian” radio station, in the end I get rejected because these “Christians” refuse to see the heart of a man, rather the physical elements of his faults. It’s easy to condemn an ex felon, all you have to do is remember that he is flawed and has a bad past.

It is a difficult thing to see what we refuse to see. We are so conditioned to reject people for what we see that we completely miss the heart of an individual. We are not interested in the heart of a man, we are only interested in his sinful flesh, which by the way can never be perfect anyway.

When I was banned from PTO, it wasn’t because I said anything controversial on the site, not at all. I was banned by association. One of the readers of my blog, who supported my writing, challenged the site and all those people. She questioned why they were always talking about books on prison written by people who never made one post on PTO, and were promoting those books, but never even considered the writings of one who shared info there often. It was kinda hypocritical that Prison Talk can have so many members talk about help and support, but most were people who were looking to have more posts than anybody else, even if it meant copy and pasting 200 times a day.

After over 1500 posts written for them, I was banned for what they called “prison bashing”. Some of the members were actually reading my blogs, and then running back and telling others what I wrote, even the things I criticized Prison Talk about. Never mind I was writing blogs to help those with loved ones in prison, PTO was out to condemn without validity, and I guess got what they wanted. But in doing so, they failed to look at the heart of a person, and was moved by pride and prejudice.

But it’s so easy to do that to an ex felon. Yet the great irony is that those same people are surrounded by people with no heart in what they do. The same people that spit on what I write are the same ones that have 25,000 posts…and all of them are copy and paste messages that took no heart to write. Or some of they rip articles from other sources and paste them on the site.

The same goes with society in general. We love to point at ex felons and inmates and say how they deserve no chance, but we freely give “crooks” money for some vague promise to repair our credit, or to lose weight, or to get us out of debt.

In a very funny way, it’s similar to what someone said of Las Vegas. A person said that all those hotels, glamour and glitter of Las Vegas didn’t come from winners…it came from losers. The same can be said for all these credit repair services. These services keep popping up not because you need it, but because there is so much money for them to make off people like you.

But we trust them because after all, they are not ex cons. I mean, you can tell the difference between a good heart and a bad one simply by knowing his background…right?

It reminds me of the commercial I saw of General Motors the other night, during the NBA Championships (go Lakers). The commercial tried to make it seem like they’re getting serious by dropping their line down to help us all out. That’s kinda funny, aren’t these the same guys that made the Hummer, that got like 2 miles to the tank?

But we bought it, no questions asked. We didn’t concern ourselves about the horrible fuel mileage, it wasn’t important…until it became important.

All these things I say are examples of how poorly we are when it comes to looking at a person’s heart. We are so quick to pre judge ex felons and inmates, believing that these people can’t have a second chance. But our country is filled with greedy businessmen and women that will twist the trust between consumer and business just to get your money.

To be sure, if an ex con owned a computer store, trying to sell you good computers at $350, well equipped, 9 out of 10 people would claim that he is scamming them and it must be stolen, simply because he was an inmate. But put that same computer on a television ad, and sweeten it with some commercial promising to repair your credit, and people will flock to it…even if that business is negligent in their service.

If I offered my Prison Encouragement Certificate for free to anyone who wanted one, I would be seen as a con man, for no other reason than the fact that I once was in prison. But if another person took the idea and sold it on someplace like PTO or another site, knowing they stole the template from me, it would sell simply because the public can’t trust me.

It reminds me of a foolish idea I heard, of a person that wanted to start an ex felon business list, which would be made up of businesses owned by ex felons. To her, the idea seemed legit and would help those guys and women to get support.

Folks…do you REALLY think that will work?

We live in a society where we don’t know how to look at the heart of a person, especially a fallen individual. I was extremely cautious about it, in fact I do not believe this is a good idea at all for ANY person to do, unless they WANT to be persecuted.

And yeah, it in general SEEMS like a nice idea, but the heart of man isn’t so nice. Any person listing their business will be persecuted only because they are ex felons, for no other reason. Heck, most people would never do it anyway because it’s a past they don’t want others to remember for them. It’s hard enough trying to move on without constant reminders of the past.

Which also reminds me of the newspaper article I was once asked to do. A newspaper in Yanceyville asked if they could do an article on me, since they heart about my blogs and wanted to do a “feel good” story of an ex felon trying to help others. The idea sounded nice, even admirable…but the results would have been disastrous.

The person for the paper wanted me to submit a lot of personal info for the validity of the story, like my proper name, age, where I live, phone number, where I work, when I was last in prison, where I was last in prison, how much time I did and why I was in prison. They also wanted a picture as well.

WAAAAAAY too much info, or as they say on tv, TMI (too much info).

Even if the intentions were sincere, I would have been persecuted for my past, even though I had been out since 2001. Even if the newspaper printed the story fairly, nothing would have prevented some “self righteous” citizen to complain that some ex felon ought not be working here or there because they are an ex con. Heaven forbid I was working at Wal-Mart and the manager received a letter from some “concerned citizen” that they will not shop there as long as they employ “criminals”.

Don’t think that is far-fetched…it has happened. In fact, I lost a job in a very similar fashion, because people refuse to see the heart of a person, rather his past.

All these things and many more personal things, I run through my head at night before I go to bed, often times questioning God as to why things are so difficult. No I am not a saint, but I did not write prison blogs over the last 7 or 8 years just to exercise my fingers. Thousands of people have read my writings and I have received over the course of that time a few thousand emails of help, thanks and concern.

As God Himself as my witness, I have to believe I am doing SOMETHING right. But you wonder, what is the use if your life never turns around? Is it easier to give up and just do what the hell you want, regardless of the outcome, or do you try to hang on just a little longer, trusting that if you prayed to God for a turnaround, and you do your best to hang in there, then a turnaround is coming?

I often sit in my bedroom wondering if things will ever get any better. Unemployed, broke, discouraged and many times persecuted, I truly wonder how I lived this long. I made just as many mistakes as anybody else, but I stand firm on the fact that I also did a lot of very helpful things at my hurt, but nearly all of them I would likely do again, because it is the right thing to do. Even as not one but TWO radio stations did me dirty, I cannot regret at least trying to help.

Prison Talk Online can say all they want in disrespect of what I shared, even to the point that they have changed my name so people won’t know who I was there, but I do not believe that PTO has anybody there that can write (or has written) as many posts about prison to help others. Anybody can spit out 30,000 posts, but if they all are worthless and had no heart, you might as well written nothing at all.

Life has not been easy at all for me, but through it, I have done my best to be encouraging to anyone who could hear me. If you have been following my blogs over the last few years, you know when I hit the wall. But I also try my very best to get up and keep moving forward. I simply cannot believe that all this is for nothing, it just cannot be.

Somehow, someway, there has to be a time of reaping the prayers I have sown; that things will get much better, and maybe by that I can be of a strong encouragement to other ex felons, or loved ones with relatives or such in prison. If I die tonight, I think I would have failed, because you never got to read by my hand the success. But after so many years, it wears me down.

And so today while checking online, I see an article of a guy who wins the lottery, winning over $200 million! The article says he will likely take a lump sum of $88 million, but what was equally encouraging was the young man’s background.

This man lived with his folks, and they were very poor, had no phone, owed money on propery taxes for several thousand and the county they lived in was in 2007 the 7th POOREST county in the country…now he’s a multi-millionaire.

After reading this story, my heart said, “it could not have happened to a nicer guy”. Even though I don’t know him, he was quoted thanking God for the blessing, and that he was going to use it to help those that helped him and his family.

Now don’t get all self-righteous about God and gambling, just let it be. Although I don’t buy lottery tickets ( I would if I could afford to), I have no problem believing that it is quite possible for a bad situation to change overnight…I just have no idea what night it will be.

In all this, as an ex felon that has gone through a lot of hell, all I have left is some faith, perhaps much less than a grain of mustard seed; Heaven knows I though I had more than that, but my poverty seems to say otherwise. But if something grand happens in my life where this ex felon can be in a much, much better situation, and in a position to share it through my blogs to encourage others, maybe, just MAYBE, it will be worth it. It just might be worth all the hell I have been through, from ironically some of the least likely sources of my persecution (prison support groups and Christians).

For who knows the heart of man, but God only? No person reading this blog can accurately say what I am about, and certainly none can accurately condemn me just because I am an ex felon. That’s not your right to do because mankind tends to get it wrong. We’ll jump on a credit repair service we have never heard of, just because we saw a commercial on television, but we won’t help an ex felon that has been out for years because he heard he went to prison.

Funny…in man’s eyes, they are both criminals…but we have no problem with a business man…look at how much money we gave to all those Wall Street guys…

(and they say the criminals are in prison)

#80 Faith from the “fallen” (new)

Faith from the fallen

 

I use that term loosely, because that term applies to the novice reader of prison issues. But I wanted to post something today because every now and then I read posts that are full of negative aspects of life, and seem to embrace the sad idea that we must “prepare for the worst”.

Well, how about trying something else for a change?

I say that as a guy that writes prison blogs for those looking for hope, and even though I never said I had the perfect answers, I DO know that my experiences can be helpful. In such a case, I believe that faith in something can change a negative situation to a blessing, and a testimony.

A couple of years ago I blogged about how my nephew’s cousin lost his sight and how hard my nephew took it. The kid spent a nice summer here and went home to get ready for the school year, when he found out that his cousin lost his sight.

I remember making a blog on it, and saying something that many people might have seen as foolish…I was believing his sight would return.

Now to most people, they don’t believe in miracles, only coincidence. But to make a longer story short…a few weeks later I happened to have gone to visit my nephew, and saw a boy riding a bike around the house. My brother told me that the kid on that bike was the boy who lost his sight.

Sight returned.

A few years ago, before being banned from Prison Talk, there was a lady who had her loved one beaten to a coma in prison, left for dead. Things were not looking very good for him, and some of those people on the prison SUPPORT site could do little more than just feel sorry. But I wrote a post with faith, believing that is SOMEBODY prayed for that person, then we can expect him to recover.

I am not saying I was the only one who prayed…but I AM saying I did pray for him. As it turned out, he recovered, and last I read, he was home, still recovering but far, far better than the original prognosis.

This might not have a heck of a lot to do with prison in specific, but it does have a lot to do with what you believe, and how that can affect a loved one in prison. But I wanted to share with you a little of my faith in a situation that has happened over the last few weeks.

My mother has been having hearing problems lately in one ear, and after taking medication to little avail, the doctor told her she may be losing her hearing in one ear. She went to see another doctor, who told her the same thing. When she came home, I could tell she was disappointed, almost to the point of “oh well, I might as well face it”. Now, to about 95% of everybody reading, that is the “proper” way of doing things.

But I don’t believe that.

If I never had a miracle in my life, then I would be lying to you in what I say today, but I have had miracles in my life, before prison, IN prison and AFTER prison. One thing I have learned, and learning, is that faith in God can, and DOES change things.

I spend a bit of time reading scriptures, and I am not trying to tell you guys that I am so much better than anybody else. But I will not believe that, even as an ex felon, I am LESS than anybody else either. I believe that if I have faith in something, I have every chance of receiving what I believe if I have faith in God.

So my prayer was for my mom to get her hearing restored. Lots of you probably think I am getting my hopes up…well, then that’s your problem. I have had many times in my life where I could have given up rather than pray for a better solution, but when I apply some faith to a problem, I usually get results…and that is for anybody.

So I started to believe that my mom can, and will, get her hearing back. She’s not deaf on one ear, she still can hear, but it is not like it was. When she came back last week from the doctor, he gave her bad news that she just has to get used to it. I read the pamphlet that she brought back, and I saw that the conditions she had, and the symptoms, did not necessarily mean she was losing her hearing. Something called sudden hearing loss, but mom clearly said that it usually happens while she is lying down. When she is up, it slowly clears up a bit.

This means she may not be losing it, but rather there are conditions that are affecting it. And the pamphlet said she had a 50% chance of getting it back.

You see what I am saying folks? The doctor ONLY gave her the bad news, not giving her a fighting chance. But her symptoms and the information said there IS a chance. Even if you don’t have faith, you have to at least acknowledge that. And at that point, I needed to find something to share with mom, to give her hope. Sure, I had faith, but at the moment mom told me what the doctor said, I sunk a bit.

But faith says to find something, ANYTHING to stand on, even if it isn’t scriptural. The info in that pamphlet clearly said there is a good chance her hearing will return, and my faith in God says that it will return. It reminded me of the scripture when Jesus went to revive the ruler’s daughter, and the people came out of the house crying and saying, “Why trouble the master, thy daughter is dead”.

The Bible says that immediately Jesus turned to that man and told him to ONLY believe. At the very moment that man got bad news, he had a decision…to “prepare for the worse” or to have faith. There are times in our lives we have to do the same. Even with loved ones in prison, there are times you have to not accept or embrace negative situations. Too many times prison support sites are filled with negative stories with no constructive faith, no foundation to be encouraged on. Lots of people join these sites just to get the dirt on somebody else’s misery.

So I stayed encouraged for my mom, and shared with her the info about her hearing. She seemed to be encouraged, and she did say that that her hearing wasn’t as bad as it was a couple of weeks ago.

Still she set up an appointment today to see a specialist. That brought up some interesting things today, the reason I am writing this blog. While she was at the doctor, she tries to call me from the cell phone, but could not get through. I was here at the house, and I heard the phone do a half ring, but after that, nothing. Five times that phone had a half a ring, and there was no one on the other end. Somebody was trying to call home, and I had no idea who it was, even though I figured it was mom.

Mom gets home and tells me she tried to call, and even gives me the cell to call the house number, and we get redirected to a relay service for the hearing impaired. Why is this happening?

Confused, mom calls our phone service and they tell her that somebody switched our number to a relay service and all our calls are now going through them. This was NOT a service we asked for, somebody did this without our consent. After a few minutes, we were able to fix the problem and able to call our number normally.

Mom was telling me that the news about her ear was about the same, that the doctor said she may have lost or losing her high pitch, but as she was coming back, one of my cousins asked her if she saw a certain doctor. Turns out it was the same, and she told my mom that she needed to get a second opinion, because that doctor is not very good. In fact, her husband went to that SAME doctor for a hearing problem, and was given a bad report by the doctor. But when he went somewhere else, he got the problem fixed completely.

With that piece of news, it gives mom hope that maybe the doctor was not giving her a real professional opinion. At the same time, me and mom determined that whoever gave our number to the relay service was clearly not operating with our consent. And since it happened while she was at the doctor…it was very likely the doctor or his office.

I emailed the relay service on this problem, and called them to tell them about it, but it seems we have this problem fixed as far as our number is concerned. No doctor or office has the right to involuntarily submit a patients number to a relay service, it to me is almost the complete opposite of the faith I have in her hearing restored. I am praying for her healing but this doctor not only has given mom a bad report, and from my cousin, given a FALSE report, but has already taken involuntary steps to his own prognosis.

So mom is still upbeat, and will likely see another doctor out of town. That’s cool with me because it keeps her spirits up, and it gives me faith that things will turn out great. Now that sounds foolish to many of you, because some of you just don’t believe in that “faith stuff”.

Your loss.

As I said before, I am no saint, but I have experienced miracles more than once, and I know it is because I had faith in God to change a negative situation to a positive one. If you read my “Grades of Honor” books, you know what I mean. It is ironic because most people don’t believe an ex felon should have faith…which is foolish thinking. It took faith for me to get through the prison system, and faith to write as much as I did to help others.

But some people try to rationalize by saying, “but you just never know what the Lord is gonna do”.

I once had a person email me about one of my blogs on faith, and tried to remind me that “just remember, you just never know what God will do, remember what the Bible says, “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, nor has entered into the heart of man the things God has prepared for those that love Him.”

So by that scripture, you just don’t really know what God will do, and if He will truly honor your prayer. That sounds legit…but it’s not true.

“What? If it’s in the Bible, then it IS true!”

Yeah, but we’re not arguing what the Bible says…we’re arguing the false interpretation of that scripture by those who don’t have faith in God.

And yeah, this coming from an ex felon, but hear me out, some of you can get some encouragement for your loved ones through this:

That scripture, if you want to check it out, comes from First Corinthians, second chapter, verse 9.

If you read that, and even add from verse 16, “For who hath known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct Him”, you can see how so many assume that faith in God is like rolling dice; either you win or you lose.

But that is not faith. Faith is believing that God can…and WILL get you through a tough situation and grant the thing you prayed for. People who read those two scriptures are misled to think that “maybe He will…maybe He won’t”.

In fact, I heard almost those same words concerning a former NBA player’s situation. Some of you may have heard of former NBA star Rodney Rogers, who is paralyzed from an accident. I watched the story on television and heard one of the people say that if he is healed by God, that will be great, if not, then that is fine.

No, that is NOT fine.

Faith says that he WILL walk. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow or next year, but he WILL walk. That is faith. Somebody with a little faith needs share that with him, and give him hope that things can get better, even when everything looks bad.

Lots of you with loved ones in prison need to understand that.

But that line of thinking is based on the scripture of “eye hath not seen”, yet it is not accurate. If you are going to read a scripture, then find out where it comes from, and the full context of it.

Instead of reading one scripture and basing lack of faith on it, read all of Chapter 2 to get an idea of what it really says. When you do…you’ll find out something completely opposite of what people have been misled to believe.

In Chapter 2, Paul is talking to the people about the different kinds of wisdom. We assume that there is only one kind, but that is not true. Paul defines in verses 4-6 of the same chapter that there is wisdom of man, wisdom of the princes of the world, and the wisdom of God. He clearly defines the different wisdoms.

 

He states that he (and believers) do not speak the wisdom of MAN or of the princes of the world, which are worthless compared to what God knows, and in fact because they don’t understand God, it is like a mystery to them.

I mean, consider that. How much do YOU know, compared to what God knows. It’s like if I go to the mall and run into Tiger Woods and I tell him that I have $20 in my pocket and I would like to treat him to a dinner (a cheap one, maybe McDonalds). He then tells me he has $100 MILLION in the bank, and would like to treat me to a dinner.

The comparison is incredibly wide…just like God’s wisdom to our own.

In fact, Paul says in verse 8 that if the princes of the world DID have God’s wisdom, they would have never crucified Jesus, because they would have known that it was the plan anyway. The wisdom of man thought that Jesus was an offense to God, and they thought they were doing everybody a favor. The wisdom of the princes of the world knew who Jesus was (as the devil knew when he tempted Jesus) and thought if they kill the Son of God, then they would win, not knowing that it was EXACTLY what God planned. Had they known that…they would have never even tried to hurt Jesus.

And right after that is the verse we are talking about, with the eye hath not seen, nor ear heard verse. This is what people mislead to believe is that God has His own way of doing things, whether we know it or not. And yes that is true, but what does the very NEXT verse say????

“But God hat revealed them unto us by His Spirit, for the Spirit searches all things, yes the deep things of God”.

In that verse, we see the previous verse was talking about man’s wisdom and the princes of the world’s wisdom, which are different from God. The could not know what God was thinking or doing, because they were not operating in His wisdom. But it says that we CAN know if we have the Spirit of God in us.

Now don’t get too crazy here, some jerk is gonna say something like, “well, that means you can know how many blades of grass there are in your yard”. Is that REALLY important to you? Or is the health of your loved ones, or your prosperity of yourself important. How about the welfare of your loved one in prison, and your need to encourage him and yourself that you can get through this? Think about that.

The rest of that chapter clearly defines that the wisdom of God comes through His Spirit, because it knows the deepest things of God and can reveal them to us. Verse 12 says that we HAVE received not the spirit of this world, but the spirit from God, that we might know the things that God has freely given to us. It’s not a mystery to those who have the wisdom of God, which comes by the Spirit.

The last verse which starts, “who hath known the mind of the Lord” ends with a definitive answer. For those who wonder about whether you can know, the chapters ends with “but we have the mind of Christ”.

It sounds like a lot of “pie in the sky” mentality, but sadly those that believe that cannot possibly believe that God wants to help us. And for those with loved ones in prison, they may think that society does not like it when a criminal calls to God for help. Yet when the “average” person is in trouble, we say empty quotes like “I’ll be thinking about you” or “I’ll be praying for you”. But the truth is, they don’t really pray for you, it’s just a saying.

I know I am not the number 1 person for prayer, but my life to this point has proven that if I have faith in something, and pray on it, then I can expect results. It might not happen immediately, but if I have faith then it will happen. Would a mother have faith that her son who got 30 years could possibly get out sooner? Could a wife with a husband in prison have faith that he can get a great paying job after he gets out? It’s largely dependent on their faith.

I share what I am sharing today because there are a LOT of people that don’t believe in faith, they believe in “fate”. If a person gets sick, then if he lives or dies it is fate. If a person survives prison, and becomes successful then that is fate. But that isn’t true, it is based on your faith. I say this as a guy that has seen many disappointments, but last I checked, I am human. Sometimes things look so grim that you are tempted to just believe that and accept whatever happens.

There is so much more that can be said about faith and ex felons, so much that, if applied, could help change the life of an inmate, an ex inmate or his/her family. I mean, isn’t that what society wants? So much of society wants ex felons to “be good” and be a positive influence in society. But when they get out, those same people would not touch them with a 50 foot pole. Make up your mind!

Anyway, I write all this in faith, believing that things will get better because I believe God wants that of everybody. But He can only move on behalf of those who believe that it CAN get better, and have faith that HE can change things for the better. I am reminded again about the late Chuck Daly, a great NBA coach who passed away a couple of weeks ago. Everybody was wearing the “CD” lapel pin, and from what we were told, he was in the hospital and was pretty sick. Only after he passed did the public learn how bad the situation was, and those “support” pins were practically a memorial before the man was even gone.

I wondered if anybody prayed for his health…I mean, I certainly would want somebody to do that for me if I didn’t have enough faith for my health. Sometimes we surround ourselves with people with no faith, and a bad situation never gets resolved because we never allowed faith in the midst. I heard a few guys on either ESPN or TNT say things like, “we’re praying for you”.

Did they really MEAN that, or just saying that? Did that person get on his knees in his bedroom at night (or any tme) and pray to God for a miracle…because that is what they were hoping for. But I wonder if their hope was based on man (or man’s wisdom) rather than God’s wisdom.

Folks, if you are in a tough situation, it does not help to surround yourself with people who just “understand”. You can have 500 people say that same thing, and not one of them have faith to change the situation around. Without faith that things can get better, you may not find the strength to overcome. How many of you, in the middle of your situation, can find the strength to have faith?

I am believing my mom will get her hearing back…does that make me a fool? Does that make me an optimist? Does that leave me open to be disappointed….

Who then is the greater optimist…the one who hopes things will get better, or the one that puts faith in the ONE who can make things better….think about that.

#79 Prison Encouragement Certificates (new)

Prison Encouragement Certificates

 

“Not out of necessity or grudgingly but with heart”

 

There is a reason I put that up there, which actually comes from a scripture. The actual scripture is from 2nd Corinthians, Chapter 9, verse seven that goes:

“Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity, for God loveth a cheerful giver.” 

Now don’t read into this that I claim to be some saint, I am just a guy trying to help those with loved ones in prison, but this scripture is helpful in what I am sharing today.

In order to get there, I have to jump back a few years to when I first started making prison encouragement certificates. For some that have been following my blogs the last few years, you know what I am talking about, but for new readers let me explain:

I started making special certificates to send to inmates, or actually to send to those with loved ones in prison. The idea was to make a positive and creative form of encouragement for one in prison. I had some experience because while I was in prison, I actually made specialized certificates like “Mother of the Year” and stuff like that.

A few years after I got out of prison, and was doing a lot of prison writing, I wanted to try to do something to help people give hope and faith to a loved one in prison, so I wrote books, made prison cards and eventually started making prison encouragement certificates. I designed the certificate, wrote something positive and made it unique. I sold some, but because I could make it inexpensive, and because I was also being supported financially by several readers, I offered to give some away free.

I first tried it on a Yahoo prison support site, and as a member at the time, I offered it free to anyone who wanted one. All I required was a land address to send it to, nothing more. I had financial support to cover any and all costs to send it, I just wanted to send it to anybody who wanted one.

The problem came when some jerk came on the site and said something like, “no, don’t trust him! I know him, he’s going to use your address for something!”

This lady actually came from another yahoo prison support site, and was actually kicked out because she was known for constantly starting arguments…I think the word is “trolling”. She said she knew me, but as God Himself as witness, that is a lie. That lady does not know me at all, she knew of my posts.

But regardless, her poisonous words had an effect on the site. I had to come back on and defend my offer, something I should have never had to do. But some people wondered if I was “up to something”. It actually split some of the members, some believed me and asked me for the free prison encouragement certificate, others were kinda in the middle, not fully knowing who to believe. The owner of the site purposed an idea, that I should make the certificates available by just uploading them to the site, so anybody could be able to use them. That way everybody is happy, right?

Wrong.

To me it was an insult because I came to help those people, and now I am being treated like a criminal because some liar bore false witness against me. Sadly, anybody who believed her, a person who never made a post on the site without starting an argument, over me, was an insult to me.

For me to give the offer now would no longer be on MY terms, but theirs. My charity would no longer be out of my heart, but out of their fears. That was not my intentions, nor would I make such an offer in that form.

The other problem with the “simple” solution was that even if I wanted to, the offer still could not be done. When I make my prison encouragement certificates, I use printing software that does not come with my computer. There are many different creative print softwares out there, and if you don’t have the one I used, you could not open the document anyway. For example, if I made a certificate using “Print World A”, and sent it to you, you’re going to have a hard time trying to open it unless you also have “Print World A” to open it. If not, then your computer is likely not going to recognize it.

(I don’t know if there is a “Print World A”, I am using that as an example)

So even if I really wanted to, there is no guarantee that anybody on the site could even open the files of the certificates. But more importantly, I did not feel any need to send it, because it seemed to me that people were not willing to trust me enough to let me help them. The hypocrisy here is that these people WANTED something for free, but not willing to accept the simple condition to receive.

It’s kinda like if you needed some money, and I told you that I don’t have the money at this second, but if you come by Monday after 3pm, I will have the money and will be glad to give it to you. Those are my conditions if you want to receive, and I am more than happy to help you.

Now, what if you got it in your head that you wanted the money sooner, and you felt that I should bring it to YOU? What if you called me and said:

“Hi, I know you promised to give me some money, I was wondering if you can come by my house about 1pm, since I want to go out of town. I’d appreciate it if you can help me out and bring the money to my house so I can save myself a trip.”

What do you think I am going to do?

What would YOU do if somebody manipulated your conditions to receive?

When people start doing that, it can completely change whether a person is giving out of their heart, or out of necessity. And some folks might think it does not make a difference, I disagree. If somebody has it in their heart to help YOU, then YOU are wrong for trying to “change the rules” for your selfish benefit.

As with the prison encouragement certificates, my heart was set on helping ANYONE who wanted one. All I required was a land address to send it to, not once did I ever say anything about emailing it, and there was another reason for that other than whether one could even open the file or not.

My offer was not just for the prison encouragement certificate, it was also to allow me to give them more. I would not have just sent one single certificate, I would have also either sent them two certificates, or a certificate and a prison card, or other material. Folks, if you have been reading my blogs the last few years, you KNOW I have hundreds of personally made prison cards, about a hundred or so different prison encouragement certificates, a few books and many other printed material I often share or sell. I would have sent more than I mentioned, just to help and to hopefully get that person to consider me IF they felt like they wanted to support my works.

But in no way was this about what I could GET out of somebody. My offer was genuine. It was free. But sadly, many people at that site wondered about it, and tried to change my own rules so they could get something for free, when it was free anyway.

Still, a few people took me up on my offer, and I sent them (by land address) some certificates, and they told me how wonderful it looked, and how much encouragement it gave their loved ones when they received it.

You see, the reason why I wanted the land address is because I want the person to see it before they sent it to the prison. The goal was to help BOTH sides of the prison. So sending it straight to an inmate might be cool, but it does not help the mom, or girlfriend, or wife or whomever, who also needs encouragement. By sending it to them, I can help create a common bond for those two sides, and that definitely is helpful in such a situation.

I say again, my intentions were completely sincere, I really wanted to help, just as I had often received financial help from readers, I was then in a position to give back. But sometimes when a person (especially an ex con) wants to help, we look the gift horse in the mouth, checking for false teeth.

Anyway, I was very glad to help those people, and months later I repeated the free prison encouragement certificate offer on my blog. From then to now I think I have offered it again, I think it was several months ago. Maybe I will do it again soon. But I say all that because a few days ago I got an email from a person about the prison encouragement certificates.

I read the email and in it the person was asking me if I could email them a template of my prison encouragement certificate….

You’re kidding, right?

To me, you might as well be saying this:

“Hi, I know you are an ex con, and to be honest, I don’t trust you, but I heard about your prison encouragement certificate, and I wanted one. Truth is, I don’t trust you enough to give you my physical address, so I wanted to know if you can just email me the template to my email address so I can print it out myself. If it’s really nice I will probably print a bunch of them out, and sell them, although I don’t suppose I would owe you a penny even if I sold 10,000 of them, but you know how it is, you ex cons owe society anyway. So if you please, just send me your work so I can benefit from it. Sorry I don’t trust you, but I still want the free certificate. God bless.”

The last part is of course, sarcasm.

I wanted to respond to the email, but thought better of it, and deleted the email. It is rare that I do that, but rather than respond with something bitter, it seemed wiser to just delete it and wait a day or so to blog about it.

So the scripture comes in handy, because it says that God loves a cheerful giver. To give those certificates would have been great because I know I would have been helping those that need it, but at the same time, those who receive have a part to play in it too. If you don’t trust me to send you that certificate, don’t bother me about any secondary ideas. What that proves is that you don’t have faith in the act, and if not, then you probably can’t be helped anyway.

For me, it causes me to feel that my offer is no longer as I purposed in my heart, but rather how YOU purposed it. It then becomes an act of giving out of necessity, because you changed the rules on how you want to receive it. When that happens, I am no longer giving out of love, it becomes more forced, and that is not a good way to give.

If you go to church with $100 in your pocket, and when the plate goes around the first time, do you give because you want to honor God and want to give, or because somebody twisted your arm to give? Here is a short example I was told:

A man with $100 goes to church and listens to the sermon. The first time the plate is passed, his heart tells him to put in $30. Even though he has $100 in his pocket, he feels that he should only give $30. The man asks himself in his heart, “why only $30? I can give more.”

The answer (in his heart) was that the amount you give is not nearly as important as the amount of compassion. The man was completely happy within himself to give $30, so his offering was received from God.

The second time the plate came around, he wondered how much to put in. He thought to himself, “I still have $70, I can give more” but his heart said, “put in $10”, so he did. His heart was very comfortable and at peace with is offering, and was received from God.

The third time the plate came around, he wondered, “why do they keep taking up offerings”. He felt that the church was trying to “squeeze” money out of the congregation, and wondered what to put in. His heart answered and said, “don’t put anything in the plate”.

“Why? I still have money to give?”

From inside his heart he was answered: “The first two times you gave as you wished, and out of cheer. This time you feel forced to give, and God cannot receive that if you are giving out of necessity. Every gift offered must be in joy and cheer, otherwise it is not received. You are better off not giving a dime now, than to give your remainder $60 in that plate”.

So then the man understood that giving is not just based on what somebody asks, it is also based on what your heart encourages you to do. If you want God to smile on your givings, then you must give with a cheerful heart. But when you feel that somebody is making you give to them, it then can create a grudge, and thus not be true charity.

When I blog, I try to do so with the idea that anywhere from 1 to 1 million people could eventually read it, and I try to blog with a good heart to help those with loved ones in prison. In doing so, I have gained good readers who support me, but I have also received many enemies. That can’t be avoided, so I try not to worry about them. But when I try to help people out, I try to check my heart, to see if I am doing my best. Even if it isn’t perfect, I think God knows my heart and sees that I am doing what I can to help. And maybe for that reason I get so much joy when I get emails from people who like my blogs, or those I have helped in the past, or those who want to know more about supporting my blogs.

But if I get to the point where I feel that I HAVE to do something, then maybe I am not in God’s will to help. To help others ought to be a burden that ironically is easy to do…I mean, how many of you can write about 5000 pages on prison issues? And yet, it seemed so easy to do, because it was not a burden to do. Now, some of my blogs have been emotional, but last I checked, I am still human.

So I think in what I do, I operate as a person with a heart set to help others as best I can. I never said I can walk on water, but I have no problem saying I can write on many prison issues. And from time to time I offer the free prison encouragement certificate, but only when I feel it is the right time, not when somebody bugs me about giving them something for free.

So for right now, I am not offering it, just not the right time anyway. My computer is not working so well and I need a new one anyway, so when things change for me then I can be in a better position to help others. Until then, I will just bide my time, answering emails when I can, or blogging when I can. As for the person who asked about that template…I can’t honor that.

There is no joy in that kinda charity, and it certainly would not be cheerful giving, especially since it is quite likely based on distrust.

#78 Short Vacation (new)

Short Vacation

 

With the way things have been the last few days, I figured maybe I need to take a short vacation, and at least blog that out so you know that I have not stopped writing.

The word “vacation” isn’t as glamorous as you might think, I certainly am not going to a cruise or even out of town…can’t afford it. But I have a belief in how I write my prison blogs that I don’t want to turn from.

As many of you know, I have been writing on prison issues since about 2002 or so, and I have written MANY pages. Every now and then I stop and put all my writings in a folder, and label it, then start a new one with more writings. To give you some idea of how much I have written, I currently have two folders, labeled PTO6 and PTO5.

PTO was the name I originally used after a site I used to write for, called Prison Talk, who since then has, in my opinion, turned into a cackling hens party, and full of moderators who have no experience in prison, but lord over members just for the false authority they have. I do not support or endorse them in any way.

Anyway, it was what I named my folders, and I am not changing that.

But in each folder I kept my writings. When I was writing for many different prison sites a few years ago, I kept decided to save all my posts before posting, so I would remember what I wrote. I am sure that there are a few things I wrote that I forgot to save, since I wrote for so many sites.

In the “PTO6” folder I have only 28 documents, this is because this is my newest folder, of blogs I have written since I restarted the prison blogging. Now that might not seem like a whole lot, but that is just a fraction.

In my “PTO5” folder I have about 350 documents, based off the last time I had a few blogs. And I also have a “PTO4” folder here which has about 420 documents. Each document averages about 4 pages, so we’re talking about somewhere about 3500 pages of blogging.

My point is that I write a lot, and what I really wanted to do is write in a way that is not a burden to me. This prison blogging things was never what I intended, or wanted to do, but I have written far more on this than my other writings. When I write, or before I start to blog, I try to determine if the subject I am about to write on is something I feel really easy writing about. If so, then I blog. But sometimes I want to write stuff that seems right for me, but not really what I should write.

I know it sounds odd, but I have found that if there is any resistance in what I want to write, then maybe it isn’t what I should write. I can’t force a prison blog, because it was never my intention to write about this stuff anyway. For me to write anything on prison, there has to be a genuine feeling in my heart to want to help, or to share. When I have that, then writing 2 pages, or 22 pages, is easy. And there is still so very much to share for those who have loved ones in prison. But for now, I think I need a little “vacation” from prison blogging for a bit, especially since to day is a holiday anyway.

Might as well enjoy it and take some time off to refocus my efforts to the blog. At any rate, you know my email, get in touch if you want me to blog on some prison issues.

#75 Look Deeper (new)

Look Deeper

 

It has been awhile since I blogged, but not because of lack of material. I am working on some things that I would like to bring to pass in the future, but until then, I am still around. I encourage you guys to email me if you have any prison-related issues you want me to discuss. As I say often, I never promise to have the perfect answer, but I will give you my very best try to talk about it.

I mean that folks. If you take the time to email me about something, you are not going to get a cheap one liner or some automated answer. I am going to get back to you with a sincere effort to discuss your situation. Take me up on that.

Today’s blog is a comparison of a few things that I hope will help you understand the necessity of looking much deeper into the stigma or stereotype of inmates or ex felons. Sure, everything wants guys to change, but they often have their own preconceived ideas that prevent them from really acting on what they say.

To that end, I wanted to urge you to look deeper into a person who has done time, especially some of you with loved ones in prison. But to tie into that, I want to share a couple of examples.

One of the channels I frequent on television is “Boomerang”….

Ok…go ahead and laugh……………….

(hey, it makes me happy when times are tough!)

Anyway, I was watching this commercial (rare for Boomerang, but more professionally called a promo) about this kids show that is supposed to resemble “Survivor”. In fact it is called, “Survive This”

The idea is that a bunch of kids are supposed to be stranded on an island or some far away place, and forced to “make it” on their own. A professional is supposed to check on their progress every few days or so, to see how they are doing, and if they want to cut out and go home, or keep going.

The premise that they sell you on this show is that this is real, that these kids are on their own, with no help and must struggle to survive in an unknown territory. In fact, if I am correct, this show was already done, in Canada, and we in the US are getting the finished product.

On the surface, this looks like real drama…but look deeper.

Folks, if you think that ANY country in the civilized world is going to allow a group of kids to be left alone in the wilderness…you REALLY need to wake up. I always have a problem with “reality” shows, because it is not based on reality. It is created reality, where the situations are controlled…meaning it is not reality. What the show is trying to sell you on is the idea that this is REAL…when it is not.

As a guy with a degree in radio and television, believe me when I say that there are very likely more adults there than kids…at ALL times. If there are 7 kids in this show, there may be 20 adults there…at ALL times.

And consider this too…who’s holding the cameras?

To do any type of televised show, you have to really understand the manpower it takes to record these events. This is not just one person holding a single camera running around following a bunch of kids…we’re talking an entire team of adults.

(continued in full on home prison blog)

#74 Why do I prison blog? (new)

Why Do I Prison Blog?

 

Every few weeks or months I find myself having to reintroduce myself to the readers, because I often get new people come across my blogs and are wondering what I am doing.

To be blunt, many wonder why in the world I am writing blogs about prison.

The answer isn’t as easy as you might think, few answers really are that simple, especially when it comes to something controversial as prison issues. For most of society, the issues of prison is simple: evil people do wrong, get put in jail, found guilty and sent to prison, and heaven help their soul.

And to be sure, even those that have loved ones in prison thought, or think along those lines. Now I am not here to try to get you to think that every inmate sitting in prison, or ex felons that did time are angels, for many there is a reason they are in prison.

And I’ll tell you this, I used to think the same thing. I mean, I didn’t know anybody that was in prison, and didn’t WANT to know anybody in prison. That’s where they put all the bad guys, and I wanted no part of them.

But something kinda opened my eyes to the situation when a childhood friend of mine got in some trouble. I think I had just graduated from college, and heard about a friend who was working for the Sheriff’s Department.

He was one of the guards, and was caught selling weed to one of the inmates, and was himself arrested. When the news came out on that, I remember one of my brothers saying about him, “well, might as well cross him off my list”. I thought about that and thought, “why would you cross off a childhood friend that you knew for years for a mistake they made”? I had known that guy for awhile, and although I had not seen him in several years up to that event, he was still a friend of mine.

Why then, should I abandon my friendship of him?

I spent quite a few days thinking on that, and sometimes I wondered if it would be cool to go visit him while he was in jail. But I knew absolutely nothing about jail or prison or anything in that genre, so it was just something that sat in my mind. Yet I was bothered by the idea that we would abandon a person when they make a mistake, even if it was calculated.

Still, I had my own goals. As a recent grad, I had the whole world open to me. I graduated near the top of my class, worked my senior year for both the campus radio station and campus newspaper, won several acting awards, knew just about everybody on the camp, and was pretty popular. College was by far the 4 best years of my life, and now I was looking at life in communications or in media. I was either going to be working in radio, or acting on local television…or both. At the same time, I had started my own small mail order business selling fragrances, and it was picking up pretty fast. I was also dabbling in writing short stories, based on something very odd that happened while I was a rising senior, and working during the summer in Raleigh.

I managed to get a co-op job through the college and was working there over the summer as a media specialist. On one odd afternoon, after all the work was done, I was minding my own business when I “heard” a voice inside me…

**note, the word “heard” is not meant to mean audible, but in a spiritual connotation, something so very clear it could have easily had been misunderstood for being audible, when in fact it was not. One could say it was spoken to one’s heart, or spirit**

Anyway, I “heard” a voice that said, “Write for Me”. It wasn’t an actual sound, but it was so bold and clear I would have sworn that somebody was in that room talking to me, but there was nobody in the entire room. I heard that “voice” and immediately stopped, and went and got some paper and started to write a spiritual poem. I still have it somewhere, although I cannot remember the title at the moment.

(continued in full on home prison blog)

#73 Irony in Rehabilitation (new)

The Irony of Rehabilitation

 

Today I am up kinda early, and thus up here blogging much earlier than I normally do. A day after Mother’s Day and all is well here, just kinda woke up with a slight headache, and I always have a hard time sleeping with light, so when I got up at 7am, I knew that unless I was really sleepy, there was no way I was going back to bed.

So here I am, at 9:30, writing a blog…wait, gotta grab a soda…

…………………………………………………………….

Ok, where was I?

Well, today’s blog is about another letter I found in my stack of stuff that I wrote while in prison. As I keep saying, I have a stack of letters, journals and grievances as well as poems, and other written material from my time in prison, and I think by sharing them every now and then maybe I can get you to kinda see inside my head, and in a general idea, those of some inmates.

Remember, I do not, and cannot, speak for every inmate, because we all do our time differently, but because we are all human, I am sure I can relate to a few things. It is quite possible for a guy in a bunk right beside me to do his time completely the opposite of me, and also quite possible for a guy in a prison on the other side of the country to do his time very similar to me. Who can tell?

Anyway, today’s blog is about a letter I remember writing while I was at Pasquotank Correctional, in Elizabeth City, North Carolina. I had spent quite a bit of time there, in both medium and minimum security prisons, and learned much about myself, and prison while there.

The letter I have before me is one I sent to UNC-CH, or the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill…UNC for short as any sports fan would know. I have a particular fondness for this university because I ALMOST went there. When I was in high school, one of my “college days” was spent there, in fact a weekend. I had the pleasure of spending a weekend at UNC and completely fell in love with it. I just HAD to go there, and thought maybe I could. But unfortunately it was more expensive than I thought, and had to settle for going to Western Carolina University, a decision I do not regret, because it was four of the best years of my life (so far).

Anyway, I sent that letter to UNC, and other colleges and universities because I was having difficulties understanding the rehabilitative process that prisons are supposed to be doing. The novice (and apathetic) person on prison issues thinks that prisons are just supposed to detain and punish. Not so. Prisons also have a responsibility to rehabilitate, or at least make the attempt. It would not be fair if we assumed that every prison must change every inmate, you can’t change a person unless he wants to. But the opportunities must still be available, so that he can, if he decides to.

I had a problem understanding this, as it relates to education in prison. Sure many prisons SAY they allow inmates to further (or get) education, but to me that is more or less just talk to make it sound like they are aggressively doing stuff. It is kinda like a deadbeat father who has a job and makes decent money, and pays child support because the law says he must, rather than by his heart. That same father might say something like, “I support my kid” when the fact is he is only doing the bare minimum. If there is no true heart in that support, then it is not support.

Same with prisons when it comes to education.

And yet, I found myself at that time seeing the irony of this rehabilitative process, especially when it comes to education. At the time I wrote that letter which I am about to share with you, I was in minimum custody at Pasquotank, and frustrated at the complete lack of effort of the camp to help inmates better themselves.

(continued in full on home prison blog)